oh schnapp!!!

I am just sooooo shocked that someone, as small, immature, confused, scared, outgoing, selfish, consumed, and young as me could have a child!!! When I use those words they are purely in the context of me having a child. NOT a reflection of me, well who knows???

Anywho, I was on Facebook chatting to a lady I was in high school with, maybe to emphasise the point, a GIRL I was in high school with, and she has 2 kids. (twentea3 years old BTW) and she has 2 kids. Now these kids are chewable jelly jots, incredibly cute. Her HUSBAND is pretty good looking, and for an Indian fellow, I would profile him as a leading Bollywood actor. Now the big BUT is that she is only twentea3!!!

Am I just not mature enough? Or am I too selfish? My immediate needs are : boots, mac powder, mac eyeliner, mac eyeshadow, bags, my hair, a blackberry storm, a new laptop ummmmm....the list is endless. My needs would be: nappies, or are should I say diapers (is that how you spell it?), I can't even list the needs...schnap!

Lets leave it at that. BTW, schnap is my new fav word. I know ppl say snap, but schnap is cool. The fact that I have drifted from the discussion at hand to talk about my new fav word is my point exactly... What is the difference between me and my age mates that have kids and are married?

I am super chatty and hung over today, hence the mumble jumble in that paragraph above this one. I am hung over from partying last night and here we are, back to my point...Could I be telling baby Sam to shush, the milk is coming, its just heating up, shhhh, to stop crying, as hung over as I am? Am I ready to give up these nights of dancing till 5am, shooting jagerbombs and feeling young, full of life and energy and being babyless??? BTW, Sam is not the name I would give my baby, no offense.

So my bf is buying me a ticket to go see him all the way in Capetown. Ok, we wouldn't call that all the way, but we are fresh out of uni and him buying me a ticket to another town in the same country makes it feel like its ALL the way in Capetown. I mean we have never been seperated for this long, and him saying he misses me soooo much, as broke as he is - coz he is a model in between jobs- and is buying me a ticket, takes our relationship to another level. Now, if this is what I am getting excited about, try adding some babies to the situation.

Disclaimer: I do love babies, I am proud of baby mamas, even at my age, but I just can't picture being you. So this is not an attempt to put you in a corner and point manicured fingers at you, but is simply an expression of how people are so uniquely different and your species, in particular, happens to be so alien to me.

Further note: anyone sexually active could become a baby mama, including me, if things slip or tear during the activity and that morning after pill just doesn't believe I should pursue my career so aggressively anymore. This topic though, is focusing on the under twenteasixes that actually are ready to have baby and a babydaddy/hubby and consciously choose that path.

All I can say is that if I were to fall preg today, my first words would be, oh shnapp!

and in to the deep end!

So today I quit my job. Yeah, I quit my job. No I do not have any job offers, or interviews. But on top of that I would like to add that I do not have any kids to feed either. So lets not panic.

At the beginning of this year I said, and knew, that 2009 is going to be a BIG year for me. Pivotal and life changing. Bold and risky. And my job was none of the above. So I have taken a dive into the deep end of unemployment and uncertainty!!!

And I'm not scared...Am I looney? Have I lost it?

Dang...

We all have a guy we perve over!!! Dang...

hmmm?

twenteaSumthing... hmmm??? confusion is the very word that comes to mind when I think of being a twenteaSumthing.

You like him, or maybe you love him? You have been with him for four years, should you be getting married? Everyone else seems to be, why are you not feeling the same way? Or are you feeling it and just telling yourself you're not...No you're not, or maybe. hmmm?

You wish you had a bf, someone to cuddle, call you every night before you shut your eyes, someone for YOU. Where is he? Is he the guy you find cute in your Ethics class, the guy across the building from where you work, or your friend's mate you were introduced to while you were out last weekend? Hmmm, "but maybe being single isnt that bad", you think, your last relationship left you burnt, your sister got a devasting shocker when she found out her bf of 9 years was married, you girlfriend suspects her man is cheating, and you find yourself concluding - from time to time, even though you ARE concluding and it should stop there, this same conclusion seems to be reconcluded, that men are full of shit. Hmmm are they all?

This job you wake up to go to every bleeding morning is not where you had planned to be working after grad. Were you not supposed to be in a power suit, presenting a marketing plan to the Directors at Anglo Platinum or Octagon or at least a friggin known name multinational corporation??? What are you doing at this no name, going nowhere slowly company that has a BIG VISION and "all we need to do is ABC, generate leads and push" to ONE day become a well established market leader? Is that your vision? Is that where you wanna be 20 years from now? But then right now, do you have enough working experience to be elsewhere? Do you? Hmmm???

Is the weight you are gaining really natural, seeing as you are in your twenteas, and you are developing into a woman? Or is that the fat from all those nights you go out and drink to your hearts desire, leave the club and order a boerwors roll, or maybe even two, with mustard and ketchup and oil sitting in a nice big fat bun? That blackforest cake you crave, then buy and have with a few glasses of wine after a huge pasta dish you made, could that be it??? Hmmm???

So you start jogging and develop a diet that requires discipline and a radical change to your lifestyle and mental processes, and you are convinced, this time, just THIS TIME, you can do it, you are focused, for once THIS TIME. Will you succumb to these twenteapressures and keep layering that flab? Or will your fears of turning into those doombuzz, invisible-collerbone, love handled chics in their twenteas keep you jogging??? hmmm??? Will the crunk gwaza that is out till 4 am, starving like a mutha actually stay AWAY from that boerwors stand??? Hmmm???

confusion is the very word that comes to mind when I think of twenteaSumthing.

the grass is always greener...

so there are alot of mackers, quite alot. the most recent edition has all the stats a girl would want. tall, dark and handsome. a body to die for. seems sweet. not majorly interesting but will do. tax analyst for a few years. hello!!! and all i can think about the whole time he is telling me about his feelings for me, how he is gonna come out and visit me, how he wants to take me out to lunch tomorrow, is the fact that i wish it was you saying all this. i wish it was you looking at me like that. i wish you had the time and the drive to talk to me. i wish we could go on a real date. so sad, so silly. these thoughts will have to be regulated. but i guess its true that the grass is always greener, coz right now my grass is in need of some cultivation. and i wish it was you.

i know i shouldnt be smiling but..

i'm being so silly..i shouldnt be smiling at all, especially because of my recent thoughts about men and relationships. but seeing him made me smile, ok lets get serious, it made me jump a bit inside. seeing how happy he was to see me made me smile too. our conversation made me smile. i mean it was junk really. total junk. i wasnt even listening to him half the time, i was just so happy to see him. i know, i know, i shouldnt be smiling, and yes i did act bossy and nonchalent. i did act quite calm (ok a few giggles came out, but give a girl a break). and it is inappropriate, we are definitely friends, but its a long time since anyone made me feel like that. happy. giddy. smiley. and happy that they felt happy, giddy and smiley too. i cant express the emotions but just give me one night to feel good about them. because its been a long time since ive felt that chemistry and that happiness. and though absolutely nothing will come of it (at least in the present) - it felt good. so i'm smiling, for now..

the game...

so I've been practicing my patience is a virtue mindset and I've been "doing me". lol. we've all done it, looking good because you can, going out, flirting a little. so predictable but so necessary. went out and had fun, seriously i had fun, and what do you know, it's when you are actually having fun and not sitting by the damn phone when he actually will call. he called. i didnt answer. partly because i was busy, but also because i didnt know what to say. he left a voice mail and it was bitter sweet. the sweet side is knowing that he cares, i can hear it in his nervousness, his random msg that says nothing but attempts to say everything. the bitter side is that it isnt enough - we both know it and I'm scared to face those facts. so as i sit and i wait, plan and plot what i will say when i call, when i lay down the law. and i laugh. i laugh so hard because it is so funny how when i finally speak to him i will say what is necessary but never say how i truly feel. i will act in control of the situation, be reasonable, practical and calm. but on the inside all i want to do is say how much i enjoy his company, how he makes me smile and laugh, and i just want us to be normal. but unfortunately we threw normal out the window a long time ago and now its just a fight for me to do what i know i need to do. does the game ever end?? i feel like the game starts when we begin realizing boys can be more than friends, right up until we get married. the game gets even more intense in our twenties..the game we play in pre-dating phases when you are 'playing hard to get', making sure he respects you and showing that you are interested all at the same time. exhausting. then in relationships its always making sure your standards are respected, that power play dance and making sure he knows he's got a good thing all at the same time. exhausting! then the break up game - being a boss bitch on the outside yet crying bitter, sad tears on the inside - so exhausting! does true love mean there are no games anymore? or do the games go on, no matter what the age or situation?

patience is a virtue...

its like the minutes had transformed themselves into painful hours, the hours into neverending days and each day feels like a long year. when would the results come? when would i hit up my inbox and see an acceptance letter, an invitation to come out for an interview - a recognition of all the painful studying i had done for my whole life? when would he call? did he care? but what would i say when he did? my desires had somehow found their way into my dreams, troubled dreams that woke me up with a start, only to realise that the dream was a dream and reality still had me waiting. i remember in form one we had to write an essay about where we would be 10 years from now..i was so hopeful, it seemed so easy. 23! i would be and adult - independent and grown, married (at the very least engaged). but here i am, twentea3, a confused twenteasomething..life isnt that easy for a twenteagirl/woman. trying to do what i can academically to build a professional life. trying to set standards with him that will train me to set standards with my future someone. time goes slowly and its so hard, so damn hard to keep pushing - but it keeps ringing in my head - patience is a virtue, a gift, it will all work out...

Sango rinopa waneta

Amen to that. I was super fed up with life last Sunday. I cried from the depth of my belly as my sister drove my other sister and I home from her place on Mother's day. I wanted my mummy, more that a 4 year old that has been dropped of at nursery for the first time. I was ready to give up on growing up. Pack my bags, breach my lease and fly off to dear Zambia where mummy and daddy are. I could barely speak in the car and did not want to talk to anyone. I woke up the next morning with no desire to move a toe out of bed. And to top it all up, it was frigging freezing as hell (lol).
I got to work and could not talk, think, listen. I wasn't myself. I was just a body occupying space. I felt dead and disconnected. Then I opened my email box and read an email my sister had sent. And the words that changed my life were "sango rinopa waneta". Translation: the forest gives to you when you are tired. Direct translation sucks, but to me it meant that when I am tired, I have tried and I am hopeless and exhausted, that is when I will receive. Sometimes we try so hard to make things work. We think that what we want will materialise in the time we expect it to. 

So I let go, and decided to be happy where I am, with what I have and make the most of my situation. As soon as I did that I met someone that absolutely loved my marketing skills (he picked this up in a conversation we had over drinks) and referred someone to me from a company that I would die to work for! They should be calling me today to tell me about a vacant position they would like to interview me for.

Sango rinopa waneta!

im lovin angels

I am convinced that some people we meet in life are actual angels. But we dont know it. They come into our lives for a purpose, big or small. And they touch our hearts and they touch are lives in a way that makes them never the same again.

28000

28ooo rand is how much I need to get a car I saw today! Somehow, a miracle is going to happen. I will have that car!

toddlers....

I hate it when people don't take me seriously because:

• I look younger than I am
  
• or I sound younger
• I am younger
  

SUPER sMiley :)

Today I feel totally happy. Me and bf had a long conversation about his communication. I love the fact that we can talk through our issues. We don't leave things hanging and nothing is kept suppressed. He apologised for the other day and we are making things work. Im also SUPER sMiley coz its a Friday, bright and sunny and I just feel this positive energy flowing thru my veins. Today I feel like every little thing is gonna be alright!!!

Liverpool... last night's game against Chelsea was well played. i like...........

OH MY GOD, when it rains it fucking pours!!! I did not mean to use the name God and the word Fuck in the same sentence but its helping me express how bleak this THUNDERSTORM really is. I am sore, I am tired and I feel so alone. And the shit thing about it is I have a boyfriend to show for this loneliness. 

Life is SO hard. As I write that sentence I get so teary. My tears sting so bad, I feel like I have been squeezing lemons in them. Life is SO hard and it seems to be getting more trying. Work is a struggle, from politics in the office to general confusion in my role at the company. Money is to me as it is to a beggar on the street. So bleeding scarce. I am in debt, I have to pay rent and I have to eat. I am working on a visitors visa whilst waiting for my work permit to be processed. Do not have a fuckin car. Or a frikkin license to begin with.

Now on top of that. I initiate almost ALL the communication exchanges between me and my bf. I feel so unwanted, undesirable and insignificant. I know he loves me but he either has ADD (his fav excuse) or responding to my sms. My heart feels like tracing paper right now. So thin and easy to tear. IM SOOOOO fedthefuckup.  AAAARGH

OTTTMI

Over The Top Too Much Info 

This is my TMI section

world, hold on!!!

World Hold On!!! I spent my Sunday feeling sorry for myself. I must say though, that I don't have R3.00 in my account anymore. Some money checked in from a friend that cares. (that means MORE DEBT). Anyway, I was feeling sorry for myself coz 

• my boyfriend is going to Cape Town for a month and might move there if his modelling career calls him to do so :( That means a somewhat long distance relationship and being the clinger that I am I wont be able to cope. 
  
• work was awful last week... the idiot I report to can't manage his own issues, both personal and professional. So I guess that tells you enough about his management skills. The best way to describe him is "pmsing biyatch". 
• went out on Thursday night and ailed a bit OTT, I was hanging for two days str8. 
  

So all those bulleted factors had me feeling sorry for myself and my twenteaSumthing shitty life. But then something really interesting happened when my sister and I were on our way home from dropping our brother off in Roodepoort........
We were trying to decide whether to use the William Nicol route or the Jan Smuts route to get home.    For some reason my sister said we should take the Jan Smuts route. As we drove down Jan Smuts and approached Bompas Rd we saw a woman, probably in her forties with a little girl by her side. This was at 9.34pm which is such a dangerous time to be trying to get transport. So we stopped for them and they asked us for a ride. We dont normally stop for randos but for some other reason we made an exception. 
As we drove down Bompas, the woman, burst into a flood of tears. She said her name was Jennifer, can't remember the daughters name though. Anyway, she was so overwhelmed and explained her situation to us. She had been kicked out by her drunk landlady because she had failed to pay her rent in full. She is a house helper and earns her monthly living by working as a maid for an Australian woman. The lady she works for is in Australia for some weeks and only paid her R1000 for the month. Her rent is R1500 and she was short of R500. It was so heartbreaking to hear her story. Her daughter just sat there, a very strong young lady aged 12. As Jennifer cried about her single mother issues, my sister and I felt so heartbroken and could not just drop her and her daughter without helping them. She wanted us to drop her in Melrose Arch so she could go beg or R500. After driving around disucssing her options we decided to give her the money. She was so grateful and would not stop crying and praying and thanking us! She is an aspiring musician and I believe life is gonna give her a chance. Life is gonna give me a chance. Life is gonna give us a chance.  
World Hold On!!!

twenteaSumthing???

TwenteaSumthing is the phase in one's life that I feel is not discussed enough. People always go on and on about the "teenage phase", "life after forty", "menopause" or the famous "mid-life crisis". But never about the phase of TwenteaSumthing. 

This blog is mainly for us in our twenties and the harsh times we are experiencing in the twenteaSumthing phase. I mean life has so drastically changed, with America having a black Kenyan president, global warming, the Zimbabwe crisis, global recession and loads more.

We are simply trying to grow the fuck up and find ourselves, jobs and partners or at least some form of stability. And then, as women, I cant speak on behalf of the opp sex as I have humps in places they don't and emotions that they cudnt begin2understand, but as I was saying, as women in the twenteaSumthing phase, we find that our emotions become more uncontrollable, esp during pms. We begin to put on weight a lot quicker than we can lose it (in my case., I get chicken wings on my back, love handles and flabby arms...I wont even mention the tummy situation). 

There is just SOOOO much happening and I have found a place ideal for me to VENT, most importantly and share my experiences with all females in the twenteaSumthing phase.... right here on this blog. I would like to share a bit of info with you before we go any further, just so you get a clear idea of who I am.

• I am female, not sure whether to call myself a girl or a woman yet.
• I graduated last year, in South Africa at an Australian University.
• The best way to describe myself is random.
• I got a job at a company in Johannesburg and I work with my sister.
• I have a boyfriend that I am madly in love with (you will find out more abt him)
• I come from a big family.
• I am going thru so much shit in the form of uncertainty in my life, (the main discussion in this blog).
• I am half Zambian, half Zimbabwean, lived in Botswana, Zimbabwe, London and I now live in South Africa.
• I do NOT have children, and do not plan to have any for 5 more years, neither does my Boyfriend.
• I have R 3.00 in my account, which couldnt buy more than a sweet. I have not yet received my salary as I have been working at the company for 3 weeks. I live in a bachelor apartment with my sister (we share a bed). Our older sister has been supporting us. Which has been lovely, but it really sucks when you feel like a liability.
• We don't have a car, we use my uncle's wreck of a car.
• I live everyday as it comes. I am on probation at work for the next three months so that means a super-basic salary.
  
• A random bystander could look at me and think life is all good, which is far from true right now, but like my sister says, fake it till you make it!

So thats a snapshot of my life. Hustle, hustle, hustle. TwenteaFRIKKINSumthing!!!