the game...

so I've been practicing my patience is a virtue mindset and I've been "doing me". lol. we've all done it, looking good because you can, going out, flirting a little. so predictable but so necessary. went out and had fun, seriously i had fun, and what do you know, it's when you are actually having fun and not sitting by the damn phone when he actually will call. he called. i didnt answer. partly because i was busy, but also because i didnt know what to say. he left a voice mail and it was bitter sweet. the sweet side is knowing that he cares, i can hear it in his nervousness, his random msg that says nothing but attempts to say everything. the bitter side is that it isnt enough - we both know it and I'm scared to face those facts. so as i sit and i wait, plan and plot what i will say when i call, when i lay down the law. and i laugh. i laugh so hard because it is so funny how when i finally speak to him i will say what is necessary but never say how i truly feel. i will act in control of the situation, be reasonable, practical and calm. but on the inside all i want to do is say how much i enjoy his company, how he makes me smile and laugh, and i just want us to be normal. but unfortunately we threw normal out the window a long time ago and now its just a fight for me to do what i know i need to do. does the game ever end?? i feel like the game starts when we begin realizing boys can be more than friends, right up until we get married. the game gets even more intense in our twenties..the game we play in pre-dating phases when you are 'playing hard to get', making sure he respects you and showing that you are interested all at the same time. exhausting. then in relationships its always making sure your standards are respected, that power play dance and making sure he knows he's got a good thing all at the same time. exhausting! then the break up game - being a boss bitch on the outside yet crying bitter, sad tears on the inside - so exhausting! does true love mean there are no games anymore? or do the games go on, no matter what the age or situation?

patience is a virtue...

its like the minutes had transformed themselves into painful hours, the hours into neverending days and each day feels like a long year. when would the results come? when would i hit up my inbox and see an acceptance letter, an invitation to come out for an interview - a recognition of all the painful studying i had done for my whole life? when would he call? did he care? but what would i say when he did? my desires had somehow found their way into my dreams, troubled dreams that woke me up with a start, only to realise that the dream was a dream and reality still had me waiting. i remember in form one we had to write an essay about where we would be 10 years from now..i was so hopeful, it seemed so easy. 23! i would be and adult - independent and grown, married (at the very least engaged). but here i am, twentea3, a confused twenteasomething..life isnt that easy for a twenteagirl/woman. trying to do what i can academically to build a professional life. trying to set standards with him that will train me to set standards with my future someone. time goes slowly and its so hard, so damn hard to keep pushing - but it keeps ringing in my head - patience is a virtue, a gift, it will all work out...

Sango rinopa waneta

Amen to that. I was super fed up with life last Sunday. I cried from the depth of my belly as my sister drove my other sister and I home from her place on Mother's day. I wanted my mummy, more that a 4 year old that has been dropped of at nursery for the first time. I was ready to give up on growing up. Pack my bags, breach my lease and fly off to dear Zambia where mummy and daddy are. I could barely speak in the car and did not want to talk to anyone. I woke up the next morning with no desire to move a toe out of bed. And to top it all up, it was frigging freezing as hell (lol).
I got to work and could not talk, think, listen. I wasn't myself. I was just a body occupying space. I felt dead and disconnected. Then I opened my email box and read an email my sister had sent. And the words that changed my life were "sango rinopa waneta". Translation: the forest gives to you when you are tired. Direct translation sucks, but to me it meant that when I am tired, I have tried and I am hopeless and exhausted, that is when I will receive. Sometimes we try so hard to make things work. We think that what we want will materialise in the time we expect it to. 

So I let go, and decided to be happy where I am, with what I have and make the most of my situation. As soon as I did that I met someone that absolutely loved my marketing skills (he picked this up in a conversation we had over drinks) and referred someone to me from a company that I would die to work for! They should be calling me today to tell me about a vacant position they would like to interview me for.

Sango rinopa waneta!